Wednesday, 25 February 2009

Why Boys are All Identical

Yesterday Eli and I had a little chat about best friends in which he informed me that Nanny was his best friend and so was his wilbsy. (Wilbsy is Siswick speak for boy parts).

In the days BPT (before Potty training) I was unfortunately changing Eli's nappy. He made sure to give his wilbsy a good old squeeze and poke just to make sure it hadn't fallen off in the last couple of hours since his last nappy change.

I guess boys think such things are possible.

He looked up to me with the biggest grin on his cheeky face and said, "Mummy I love my wilbsy!"

Yep, you and everyone else on the planet with a XY chromosome combination, son.

The joys of being a mother to boys!

But at least he's honest.

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Thursday, 19 February 2009

Eli Takes to the Throne

With the arrival of this weeks break in the school calendar I knew very grudgingly I had to dedicate this time to one thing and one thing only.

Potty Training Eli.

Yep, the same Eli that is unpredictable, stubborn and delights in the filth of his bodily excrement.

Coupled with morning sickness that just won't bugger off I anticipated the upcoming week with very little optimism.

Well with the exact same amount of optimism I have that David Beckham will unexpectedly turn up on my doorstep and profess he should have proposed to me in 1997 and not Victoria. After all Victoria and I do have the same maiden name of Adams and we both have brown hair so it's understandable that he could easily get confused. Yes, even though we're not officially acquainted. Because lets face it he may be an Adonis to look at but he's just not very clever.

Monday arrived and Rob left for work early. I took 800 deep breaths and got on with the task in hand.

I decided on a double pronged bribery approach coupled with Gina Ford's Potty training in one week.

We have the immediate reward of if you pee in the potty you can have a single lovely skittle to enjoy each time coupled with the longer term award of if you fill up this chart with stickers every time you pee (or poo of course) when it is full you can have that super snazzy walking talking Lightnin' McQueen you've been coveting since you spied it at Tesco. (Of course I was wise and got it half price in the January sales, cha-ching!)

Day 1 there was pee on the floor but mostly pee on the potty and he was dry all night.

Day 2 there was still some pee on the floor but again mostly pee on the potty and dry all night.

Day 3, which will be known for the rest of the time as the day Eli became my favourite child there was pee only on the potty totally unprompted by me all the day long.

Hooray! So on day number 4 I'm feeling confident and may even venture out in public.

But maybe I won't because I might miss David Beckham popping by.

Because apparently miracles of such magnitude are possible.

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Wednesday, 11 February 2009

Completely Mental with a side Order of Judgement

On November 20th I was driving home from work and noticed the unmistakable twinkliness (I am aware that isn't an actual word) of a Christmas tree illuminating someones front window.

Sure I was listening (and singing along) to Christmas music in my car but that's not the point is it?

Regardless, I judged the unknown occupants of that house because we all know November 20th is just too flaming early to have your Christmas tree up.

I recall guffawing at their stupidity because it was a living tree and it's chances of surviving until December 25th were highly unlikely.

Every day as I drove home I would stare in complete disbelief at their ridiculously early Christmas tree erection. Even when December 1st rolled around and I put our tree up (totally for the kids benefit of course) I still thought about those crazy folks on the next street who had beat me to it by 1o days.

Soon all the world was a place of twinkly lighted beauty and the ridiculously early Christmas decorators were lost from my thoughts.

New Years Day rolled around and we took our decorations down.

I noticed others must have done the same.

Gradually all the twinkly lights disappeared.

All the twinkly lights but one house.

The crazy folks house.

January 10th came around and their illuminated tree (which hadn't yet died as I predicted, apparently I do not possess the wealth of Christmas tree knowledge that I had previously assigned myself) still had pride of place in the window.

Surely this wasn't normal behaviour.

Then the cogs in my brain started turning. This definitely wasn't normal behaviour.

Obviously whoever occupied that house had died during the Christmas season.

Surely that was the only explanation as to why these people were still enjoying Christmas when the rest of us were anxiously anticipating the arrival of Spring.

On my birthday 3 days later. I noticed the tree was still there but not lit.

Evidence that the occupant was very much still alive, right?

Well that or they'd been dead for so long and hadn't paid their electricity bill that their supplier disconnected them.

A week on the tree still stood there sad and un-illuminated.

Several times I had to force myself not to share my theory with my friend who is a police officer (and has filled my mind of stories of decomposing corpses being eaten by their own pets) in the hopes that he'd go discover the truth and all would be right in the world once more.

Instead I just forced myself to drive by without looking at the house.

Today I looked.

The tree was gone and I came to the conclusion that the most likely explanation is simply that I am a massive drama queen.

The truth hurts!

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Thursday, 5 February 2009

Lucky Charms

I've never been a big believer in lucky charms.

As a kid my mum had a white rabbit foot brooch.

I'm not exaggerating when I say it completely traumatised me.

We were after all big rabbit owners as kids.

She ensured me it was lucky. I didn't and still don't believe her.

How lucky could that foot really be? The poor flaming rabbit got murdered and had it's foot chopped off and turned into a truly hideous brooch.

It certainly wasn't lucky for the poor innocent rabbit.

Oh and mum if you're reading this I honestly don't want it when you leave this mortal coil thank you very much.

Along the same lines I never understood the hoarding of horseshoes, wishbones (that's part of a chicken carcass people), endless searching for Four leaf clovers and lucky pennies.

I was always of the opinion that in life you make your own luck.

But finally a lucky charm I can get on board with, fashionably created in Milan.
Yep that's right folks.

Over at AC Milan they're giving David Beckham's backside a good old squeeze for luck.

Turns out that since his arrival on loan they haven't lost a single match.

If only Milan were closer and it wouldn't result in a restraining order.

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Tuesday, 3 February 2009

What Exactly Does Carol Need?

I saw this on my lovely friend Rachael's blog and it made me chuckle so I figured I'd give it a go.

Basically you type your name followed by the word 'needs' and see what Google kindly throws back at you.

Put the Top 10 in a post and voila, entertainment for all the world to see.

1. Carol needs to be grounded in some very basic things. I SO do not.

2. Carol needs assessment information request. Honestly I could live without it.

3. Carol needs our help, will be killing her dogs. Luckily for all of you and dogs nationwide I am not a dog owner, and probably should never be allowed to be. The forecast apparently isn't looking good.

4. Carol needs licenced real estate agent. In this global recession? I think not. I'd be better off attempting to win the lottery.

5. Carol needs a pacemaker. I may well do if Eli decides to make more poop masterpieces on his bedroom wall.

6. Carol needs to change. It's true I do, but where to start?

7. Carol needs a power source. I really do Caffeine just isn't kicking it these days.

8. Carol needs YOU! Indeed I do, don't go forgetting it.

9. Carol needs a 1995 retired Tony Carter teapot of a chaise lounge with the gramophone on a small table. I don't think legally anybody should be able to manufacture such a hideous object. That is definitely not going on my wish list.

10. Carol needs a forever family, and desires a placement where she can feel safe. I honestly do, preferably somewhere sunny where they let you eat chocolate for breakfast and let you sleep til noon. Also no chores required.

So what do you need?

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